Be Good or Go To Hell
July 26th, a work in progress:
The deep south religion of my childhood was just that: God is going to get you for that. Mama’s voice rings in my ears while she beat my butt in order not to be guilty of sparing the rod. I was guilty, believe me, I was always guilty. I actually deserved most of the lickings which would have put her into jail in the 21st century. If her belt was that big, just think how big God’s belt must look coming at you from Heaven.
My first remembered unforgiveable sin was a lie. I confess it now, sixty four years later.
I ate the apples. All of them. Yes, I had a major stomach ache, but that was not enough for Mama when she recognized a lie. I had to bow down and hold my ankles waiting for the belt. I blamed my imaginary gray jack rabbit friend of eating the apples. The story did not fly, but the belt did.
Next major sin; I coveted my neighbor friend Peggy’s small china doll with arms that moved. I put that tiny doll into my tiny pocket and went home with purpose. I was still four. It was a good year for learning about lies and covetousness.
Yes, The Belt would heal this unruly streak of the the devil. I was healed proper.
Now days we might call that a genetic streak in the family and seek stem cell research. The Belt was much cheaper and quicker to administer.
My third major sin was a string of curse words, enough to bring out a bar of Ivory Soap. Later, when the cursing could not be stopped, the soap was changed of LAVA. I and still remember the radio song for LAVA soap. My dirty tongue went down the drain. There was something about if I cursed in God’s name that His name would have dirt on it or something like that. So, Mama cannot have that happen: I’m off to the kitchen sink. Basically, I did not curse again until I was forty-two. The word I said that day would have caused God Himself to come down out of Heaven and spank my butt with His Holy Belt.
Then there was the licking I took for lightly kissing a perfectly beautiful high school boy after our date on my sixteenth birthday. Mind you here, we were standing on my front porch under a 150 watt naked bulb. How romantic can that be? I got the ‘fornicating on the first date’ belt beating of my life. Mama chased me into my bedroom, I jumped on the bed, running round and round, but the belt had built in radar and was welded by the well trained arm of Mama-Law.
I never really got this one because that same year I was in the kissing booth at the county fair for the school football fund and got paid for charity dollars to kiss perfectly beautiful high school boys and some of their dads and a few uncles. This could put a mixed message into a young pretty girl’s mind. Nothing was ever said about that.
I really screwed up Honor Thy Father and Mother. At four and a half years, I left home. I got a suitcase; I started putting my stuff in it. My Mama found me in the bedroom packing. She started helping me pack.
What book DID she read?
Dr. Spock? He was the logical thinker of the ’40s later to become Star Trek’s logical hero.
I can still see this scene. Well, actually, I am able to see all these memory scenes. She was putting my socks into the suitcase. I was throwing them out as fast as they went in. All the sudden I heard myself saying, “Mama, I want to move, but not just now.” She kept right on packing; saying she and Daddy would miss me something terrible, but I was not Honoring my Father and Mother, so I had to go.
Mama closed up the suitcase, put my hat on my head, and set the suitcase and me on the front porch and shut the door. It was dark. I don’t think I will ever forget that night. Probably minutes later, but for me it was days, Mama opened the door.
There is a drop or two of ancient law still practiced by Jews and Muslims and more Christians than we are willing to acknowledge. God only knows who else believes this sin is worthy of capital punishment and the more we know about Christians in this form of parental guidance the more we are glad the majority of us made it through the gauntlet singing “Jesus loves the little children.”
More to come on this one.
Filed under religion | Comment (0)Gods Have Ears
But they do not listen when humans are killing each other. All The Gods of all the humans sit around in the clouds with each other telling human jokes that start with, “Did you hear the one about the human who…………?”
Then they kick back; eat a great meal; complain that they are getting too fat for the new Cloud they ordered from Craig’sCloudsOnLine.
Later, The Gods settle into their favorite pass time; playing poker for three hours or three centuries, depending on how long the human’s wars are being waged down below.
That is what The Gods in the Heavens do when humans on the planet are killing each other. No need to pray, Human. Your God is probably holding a Royal Flush.
In fact, The Gods have been playing poker together ever since they became bored with the darkness of their surroundings and in thundering unison they spoke with one united voice: “LET THERE BE LIGHT”. The Gods worked on a couple of human prototypes and sure nuff, a malfunction occurred and Cane killed Able. The Gods leaned forward to get a better view on the matter down below.
One of The Gods was heard to say; “Where is that deck of cards we created?”
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